I grew up in Denmark feeling like a pretty normal kid, until..

When I was 10, my parents’ relationship had deteriorated to the point
that a decision was made that my mother and I would move to Spain, and that my dad would follow a couple of years later. He never did.

Growing up as a tall, blonde, blue-eyed teenager in Southern Spain I felt incredibly conspicuous and like “fair game” for the men and vulnerable. Catholicism was (and still is) very much a factor in daily life, and  I definitely didn’t feel like I fitted in Spanish society. At school, all the other kids seemed both wealthy and confident, which I wasn’t, but I was very smart and loved learning, and so excelled at my schoolwork, which also set me apart.

Furthermore, I perceived women to be dis-empowered and overly emotional, dependent, rebelling against this dependence, manipulative, managing money poorly, weak and vulnerable. I perceived men as empowered, good with managing money, rational, confident, able to confront people if needed, smart and dangerous.

As a  result I developed the belief that Female was somehow inferior, and I went about living in the world by male values.

I went to university,  changed countries twice, got a degree, and launched myself into the workforce very successfully by the age of 25. So my male qualities of go-getting, striving, performing, producing and assertion were well developed, while my female qualities of flowing, allowing, receiving love and support, being part of a community languished. I didn’t know I had worth as a woman, as opposed to a professional. As a result, I entered into two abusive (though not physically – I think I would have recognized that type of abuse) relationships, one of whom was my first husband.

I remember the moment I got hooked into that relationship: at the time, I looked like a supermodel, was an accomplished chiropractor who had made her way in her career in a different country, so by all accounts a very desirable catch. I was also very lonely and unhappy with my own company. So when my then-to-be fiancé (who didn’t exactly look like a young god) said “I look forward to your breasts getting bigger as you get older”, my initial response was to laugh. And then, I went to “I’m not good enough” and it deteriorated from there. If I had known my worth at the time, I would probably not allowed this man into my life in the first place, but if I had, I would have sent him packing at that point in time.

Subsequently, this man, who was still a student with no income for whom I was going to move to Australia, would only marry me on the condition that I go on the pill and on Prozac (I had enough self-respect to do neither of these, thankfully).

I clearly remember the moment when he called the relationship off for the third time (I had been in Australia for around 7 months at the time) and I decided that I had bent as far as I could, and was not prepared to break for anyone. And I moved on (probably somewhat to his surprise), supported by people who were happy to offer me a soft landing pad and time and space to heal.

From this moment on, I started trying to work out which of the rules of life I had acquired were actually helpful and which weren’t, and to find who I really was in amongst it all.

I had gone through my teens and my twenties feeling unlovable, unloved, unworthy, unsupported, uncared for, abandoned, lonely and isolated (in fact, these days I would probably have been diagnosed with “high-functioning depression”), but the whole time I had two saving graces:

∞    One was the deep, inner knowing that Life was not meant to feel this way.

∞    The other was the friends I made wherever I went – almost despite myself – who treated me with kindness, caring and compassion and who would love and include me because they could see past my bluster to my heart. I am deeply grateful to those friends, whom I still love and am connected to despite many of them being halfway around the world.

In my early thirties, I partnered a man 24 years my senior who died of cancer less than 3 years later. This was definitely the second hardest time of my life. Cancer takes over your life, and I dreaded going home because instead of being a sanctuary and a place of rest, there was this thing that just swallowed up all the light in life. These circumstances taught me that asking for help is not only ok, it is a necessity.

We are not meant to save the world – not even a small part of it – all on our own.

Eventually, at 33, I met my second  and current husband, whom I was engaged to 22 days after we got together and married to 8 months later. They say when you know, you know – that was certainly true for us. He is the kind of man who genuinely loves and respects and values women, and it was actually quite a challenge for me to be able to accept that and to trust that he is unquestionably on my team, having been so utterly self-reliant for so long.

Another turning point happened in my early 40’s when I was introduced to LifeLine technique. I finally found a way that has consistently helped me peel off the layers to allow me to experience more of my true essence, and I became qualified to be able to hold space for others to do the same.

The changes in my life – and others’ - have been profound, and I will be forever grateful to Dr. Darren Weissman for teaching me this amazing healing tool and becoming my friend in the process.

I finally was made to honour my Feminine by my body, which developed a health concern that just could not be “fixed” with a male approach. I am still discovering the mystery and the power inherent in being a woman. It led me to write and publish my book “Passion to Thrive: new ways for women to be in the world rediscovered” in 2017, which explores the different ways for women to be in the world through the lens of archetypes.

As a valuable side-effect it was also, perhaps unsurprisingly, a major personal growth catalyst. I am now much more aware of just how much women have to offer the world, which is in desperate need of balance between male and female. This balance starts in each human being’s heart and will eventually lead to global change.

Do I feel like I fit in now? I feel like I have transcended that, actually.

I have discovered that it is indeed not me who is insane and disconnected, but large parts of humanity (the kind practicing greed and arrogance and ignorance and growth at all costs). In my journey, I learnt very early on to trust my own judgement, and lately I have discovered that when I speak out about my spirituality (this is, to me, about how we live in the world, whether we believe in the supernatural or not), people listen.

This actually makes me a trailblazer and a leader. And I am incredibly grateful to have found, over the years, members of my soul-tribe, people who feel like home.

My invitation to you is to join me in whichever way calls you, so you don’t have to spend decades finding your way like I did.

Let’s all be the most magnificent version of ourselves we possibly can.

With much love, Annika

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